Wednesday October 31, 2007

NYT headline: Hello, India? I Need Help With My Math.

Sunday October 28, 2007

Just about the only thing this didn’t have was the Stanford band. Fifteen laterals! And FYI to Millsaps: if a lateral hits the ground, the play isn’t over. Context here.

Just how you drew it up in the playbook, right coach?

Friday October 26, 2007

So let’s say you’re running FEMA and you’re dealing with the largest natural disaster since Katrina, the wildfires out in California. You need to get the word out there about what you’re up to, especially since your agency needs the good PR, so you call a press briefing. Thing is, you gave the press only 15 minutes notice. What now?

If you’re sane and/or competent, you wait for the press to get there and then do the press conference. If not, you have your staffers pretend to be reporters. Really.

[The press conference was] very smooth, very professional. But something didn’t seem right. The reporters were lobbing too many softballs. No one asked about trailers with formaldehyde for those made homeless by the fires. And the media seemed to be giving [FEMA Deputy Administration Harvey] Johnson all day to wax on and on about FEMA’s greatness.

Of course, that could be because the questions were asked by FEMA staffers playing reporters. We’re told the questions were asked by Cindy Taylor, FEMA’s deputy director of external affairs, and by Mike Widomski, the deputy director of public affairs. Director of External Affairs John Philbin asked a question, and another came … from someone who sounds like press aide Ali Kirin.

Asked about this, Widomski said: “We had been getting mobbed with phone calls from reporters, and this was thrown together at the last minute.”

But the staff did not make up the questions, he said, and Johnson did not know what was going to be asked. “We pulled questions from those we had been getting from reporters earlier in the day.” Despite the very short notice, “we were expecting the press to come,” he said, but they didn’t. So the staff played reporters for what on TV looked just like the real thing.

“If the worst thing that happens to me in this disaster is that we had staff in the chairs to ask questions that reporters had been asking all day, Widomski said, “trust me, I’ll be happy.”

Heck of a job, Harvey.

Thursday October 25, 2007

Let’s all take a deep breath, establish some actual facts on the terms of the debate, and go from there, shall we?

Monday October 22, 2007

[1] Yeah, it makes perfect sense to treat American citizens like criminal suspects when trying to get back into the country. We either have open borders (good idea) or closed borders (bad idea), but making law-abiding Americans wait for hours to get back into their own country while Mexicans constantly cross back and forth illegally is beyond insane. Once again, a government with a problem beyond its means decides to inflict itself on its own public to make itself appear useful.

[2] Amazing how Republicans talk a good game about federalism … until they don’t like what local government does, at which point they immediately denounce them and try to pressure them (and how!) into changing their mind. The local school board in Portland (ME) decided to allow a middle school to distribute birth control pills. Parents think it’s a good idea. Elected officials think it’s a good idea. So … y’know, maybe we should leave them be?

[3] Oh for crying out loud! The Plain Dealer (which is going with “The Collapse” as the official moniker of this three-game stretch) decided, apparently out of sadism, to publish the template of the story that the paper would have run had the Indians pulled it out last night. Instead, here is the actual front page from today’s paper.

ADDED (5:45 pm): Just so you know … Jackson, Mississippi, is a one-man, drug war-obsessed dictatorship. But it says more about the Jackson electorate than him.

Sunday October 21, 2007

6:36 PM: Check back here for LIVE updates as I lose my sanity and use my computer as a coping mechanism during tonight’s Indians-Red Sox matchup.

7:41 PM: T minus 40 minutes now. Nervousness is beginning to set in. I’ve fielded a call from my dad — we’re both pretty much resigned to a Tribe loss.

7:53 PM: Fox would just like to remind you all that You Can’t Script October.™

7:56 PM: C’mon, ladies. How do you not root for the Indians? Look at Sizemore!

7:59 PM: Wow, a quote from Henry Clay. Who knew a civics lesson was coming? As tacky as these introductory pieces are, you can’t help but get excited.

8:02 PM: Here we go … the obligatory “Paul Byrd’s a cheater!” segment. Goodness, his denial has the whole “I did not have sex with that woman” vibe, but really, his actions don’t make him sound guilty. He wouldn’t order the drugs in his own name and have them shipped to the clubhouse if he thought it was shady … right?

8:04 PM: Oh yeah … the Colorado Rockies still exist. And there’s snow in Denver!

8:10 PM: Hey, analyst guy … you could act like Jake Westbrook is an actual MLB pitcher, rather than a yokel we pulled out of a cornfield to throw tonight.

8:14 PM: I’m not sure what Paul Simon’s “Kodachrome” has to do with baseball, but it sure as hell is better than Mellencamp’s “This Is Our Country” abomination.

8:18 PM: Tim McCarver, not surprisingly, cannot add. Please fire him, Fox. Please.

8:24 PM: First pitch time. Pray.

8:28 PM: Once again, the key to the game is just a platitude. Thanks a lot for that.

8:30 PM: McCarver says “Red Sox Nation and the nation of Japan” are watching every pitch. Cleveland, apparently, has no fans. And they go weakly in the first.

8:35 PM: “Sabathia is in the bullpen for the Indians tonight.” Could he please not be?

8:37 PM: Pedroia on, 3-0 to Youkilis … let’s just same I’m inching toward the Jameson. And now he’s on with another single … Big Papi up to the plate now with a soundtrack of haunting chants from the Fenway crowd … What are they saying?

8:40 PM: HUGE strikeout from Westbrook. Now Manny up as Joe Buck utters the words: “Who is Jake Westbrook?” I hate you all, national media. I hate you all.

8:42 PM: Just like last night, a ball hits the lip of the grass. This time, it skyrockets on Peralta and turns an inning-ending double play into Boston 1, Cleveland 0.

8:46 PM: Another slicing line drive for a base hit loads the bases up for last night’s Indian killer, J.D. Drew — who grounds into a DP! Westbrook slips the noose for the moment, but it’s time to get Byrd warmed up.

8:50 PM: The announcers rightly recognize that Cabrera is the man. “Vizquel-esque,” though, is an adjective that should never be uttered again.

8:55 PM: And the Indians go meekly … again. Six up, six down. Is Dice-K this good, or is the Tribe offense this bad? Oh, and Dane Cook should be tasered. Often.

8:57 PM: Varitek doubles off the wall. I’m somewhat scared: McCarver’s actually making sense, saying that the Indians need to get someone warmed up NOW …

9:00 PM: Yet another blooper drops in behind Peralta. First and third, no outs, and I’m officially panicking. NO ONE IS WARMING UP? WHAT THE HELL, WEDGE?

9:02 PM: The Indians trade a run for another double play, then get a fly out … so Westbrook escapes with light damage yet again. Still, I repeat: GET BYRD READY!

9:09 PM: Lofton fought like hell with Dice-K but just flies out to deep right. It feels like someone is going to have to miraculously learn how to hit. And again, McCarver is surprisingly lucid in pondering why Trot Nixon isn’t starting tonight. Matsuzaka looks asleep out there, yet is still kicking ass.

9:13 PM: Finally, a hit! Casey Blake gets on base. They need to capitalize desperately.

9:19 PM: Wild pitch goes for naught. It’s like the whole team collectively realized where they were after Game 4 and freaked out. I’m not gonna blog the bottom of the inning … Assume that the Red Sox will now stress me out beyond all reason.

9:22 PM: I lied. At least there’s someone up now. More doom appears imminent.

9:24 PM: Westbrook just looks … checked out. At least he got Ortiz out again.

9:29 PM: Sacrifice fly. And they get out of the inning with just one run where there was the potential for much worse, but this is quickly turning into a “death by a thousand cuts” sort of situation. Offense please! Also: New pitcher please! Also: No Christmas-related advertising until mid-November!

9:35 PM: Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Hafner is alive! Finally, his first hit in 17 at-bats — double off the wall — hopefully sets the table for at least a run in the 4th.

9:39 PM: Joe Buck, as he is contractually required to do, reminds us all that the Indians blew it in ’97. Thanks a lot.

9:42 PM: Signs of life! Garko fights like hell against Dice-K and gets a hanging slider to smack for a double off the Green Monster. The Indians are back within two.

9:47 PM: Peralta grounds out, but at least they’re on the board. And once again, because my hometown apparently has only one song ever written about it, Fox plays “Cleveland Rocks” as they go to commercial, Y’know, just like they’ve done after EVERY SINGLE INNING IN EVERY SINGLE GAME where the Indians scored. Gnah …

9:50 PM: Wooo! Crazy blinking score bar! Westbrook falls behind 3-0 again … and gives his 85th single into the hole on the left side. If the Indians come back to win this game, he will be the luckiest man on the face of the earth. That’s right: Luckier than Lou Gehrig. You heard me.

9:53 PM: That’s one of the weirdest fielder’s choices I’ve ever seen. Gets the job done, though.

9:55 PM: Yet another ground ball gets through the infield. Yet another threat is building. Yet another time to consider the hook.

10:00 PM: Unless of course you pull YET ANOTHER double play. Good gravy. Your ’07 Cleveland Indians: equally cursed and blessed.

10:01 PM: I will not “Do the ‘Good Day,’” you perky morning show freaks. Aren’t you supposed to be at least quasi-journalists … or at least have some dignity?

10:03 PM: FUCK YOU ALL! HE WAS SAFE! Lofton’s hit goes for naught, which really stings after a Gutierrez hit. Now let’s get our licks before they go to Beckett!

10:06 PM: Casey Blake laces a single … leave Dice-K in! LEAVE HIM IN, PLEEEEEASE! Sizemore can get the job done for us, right? (They left him in, everybody!)

10:10 PM: Sizemore at least gets a sac fly to pull within one. Cabrera seems intent to be a statue.

10:15 PM: And it served him well there, laying off on a borderline pitch outside. He keeps fighting ‘em off … until that swing and a miss, but it’s 3-2 “at the half.”

10:20 PM: Westbrook back in (hell, why not?) against the heart of the order, starting with the notorious Youk. AND NO ONE’S WARMING IN THE BULLPEN! But he gets a strikeout in short order.

10:22 PM: Playing the song “Double Vision” as you show a double play montage … REAL witty, Fox.

10:24 PM: Ortiz grounds out. Time to plug Budweiser, right here in the middle of the inning! Fuckers.

10:25 PM: WESTBROOK GETS MANNY LOOKING! What idiot was suggesting we pull him? Oh. Right.

10:28 PM: It’s Hafner, Martinez, and Garko against the lefty, Hideki “Divine Wind” Okajima. (Note: Not his actual nickname.) Time to take control of this game!

10:30 PM: The Cyborg (Beckett) is getting warmed up as Hafner hits that one about five feet short of the wall.

10:32 PM: Martinez grapples as a plug for Nip/Tuck — an actual quality TV program on F/X — is placed on the backstop wall. (Note: Not paid by Fox to say that.) Should’ve already drawn a walk, but no. Instead, he flies out.

10:35 PM: Not that they didn’t make him work, but the Indians go 1-2-3 in the sixth against Okajima. Who is pitching for the Indians? Who the hell knows.

10:37 PM: The advertisements for McDonalds’ Monopoly game are … incredibly dumb. Are they trying to be funny in suggesting that winning a lottery involves skill, or are they appealing to people moronic enough to believe that it involves skill? If the latter, please raise your hand and wait to be culled.

10:39 PM: Westbrook still out there, amazingly. If he gets through the inning, this can be called a “quality start,” which is mind-blowing. NICE strikeout there, pal.

10:42 PM: Once again, Fox reminds you that the Colorado Rockies exist. After all, they won the pennant back in August, right? Westbrook is rockin’ it out there!

10:44 PM: Damn. DAMN! Westbrook with another strikeout. It feels like if we can just get the lead we’ll be able to pitch ourself into the World Freakin’ Series …

10:47 PM: If I weren’t devoting effort to the blog, I would have collapsed from the stress by now.

10:49 PM: Julio Lugo gets a case of the dropsies! Lofton gets back the double he was robbed of …

10:50 PM: Joe Buck, once again strangely making sense. This may be their one chance to tie it up!

10:53 PM: Gutierrez hangin’ in there … He gets a single but LOFTON STOPPED AT THIRD! WTF? And it costs them. Blake grounds into a DP.

10:55 PM: Joel Skinner, the Indians’ third base coach … may have cost us the pennant. I may cry. I may weep like a pathetic little schoolgirl.

10:57 PM: Rafael Betancourt, the Tribe’s one stone-cold unhittable reliever, comes in to pitch. Please let that not be a horrible, horrible jinx.

10:59 PM: And now the wheels are coming off the train. Casey Blake can’t pick a tough chopper and Ellsbury gets to second on the error …

11:00 PM: Indians fans start looking for the nearest ledge as a bunt moves the runner over to third.

11:02 PM: And they jump. Dustin Pedroia into the seats atop the Monster. Boston 5, Cleveland 2.

11:05 PM: And now it’s going to take a miracle. Suggestions for this game’s nickname if they lose?

11:07 PM: I hate these damn Honda Pilot commercials. And these ads. And all advertising. Ever.

11:09 PM: Sizemore lays down a great bunt as Okajima, somewhat surprisingly, is still out there.

11:11 PM: Cabrera with the hit and Boston will go to Papelbon as Hafner strides to the plate …

11:13 PM: Travis … this is what we paid you the big bucks for. It’s time to build a rally, boys!

11:15 PM: On his first cut, he tried to hit the ball to New Hampshire. Strike one. Breathe, Travis. Then a foul ball, and it’s 0-2 awfully fast … Give him another fastball down the pike, Johnny, I dare yah …

11:16 PM: On second thought, couldn’t you have thrown some other pitch instead? One out.

11:17 PM: Papelbon’s deathly stare got Martinez to ground out, but it seems like it scared his fielders too, because that’s the only reason that wasn’t a DP.

11:20 PM: Garko with a swing and a drive, deep right … and it dies on the warning track. I’m shaking and numb. One inning left. One miraculous inning …

11:30 PM: The Red Sox insist on prolonging this. Lowell with a one-out double and J.D. is in a dogfight out there, which he wins. Boston 6, Cleveland 2.

11:31 PM: Betancourt probably hasn’t given up this many runs in the last month. This entire pitching staff managed to disassemble on the edge of glory.

11:37 PM: Peralta and Blake collide Major League-style as they both go at a fly ball down the line. It drops in fair, then hops the fence for a crisp ground rule double. If you’re gonna tack on any more runs, Boston, you might as well put up a thoroughly absurd number to completely destroy our souls. IBB loads the bases up for Lugo.

11:42 PM: Swing and a miss. I’m trying to walk it off but … I’m numb and it hurts like hell. And a bases-clearing double is really not what I needed. 9-2.

11:46 PM: Jensen comes in to mop up … and Youk hits it out. 11-2. Fuck the world. Fuck you all.

11:48 PM: As Joe Buck points out: Boston 30, Cleveland 5 in three games. THAT is a meltdown.

11:51 PM: Papelbon returns to put th
e final nail in the coffin. Cue the funeral march, Cleveland.

11:53 PM: Did I put the right title on this post or what? And that was the original 6:30 title …

11:55 PM: You look like a doofus, Ortiz. Damn it, you won your title. GIVE US SOMETHING!

11:57 PM: Coco Crisp makes the second great defensive play of the inning … and it’s over …

11:57 PM: You owe me, Mellora, you damn Red Sox fan. I’m personally blaming you for this.

12:00 AM: And here you go. It’s midnight in Boston, and it’s midnight for the Indians. This is thoroughly absurd. Once again, a Cleveland team gets to the precipice of glory, only to completely implode on themselves. So the title drought will reach 44 years for the city of Cleveland and 60 years for the Indians. SO DAMN CLOSE!

12:00 AM: AND FUCK YOU TESSIE!

12:05 AM: Attention Cleveland: Burn the city down. Fuck it all. We give up. Move our teams elsewhere … Maybe they’ll actually win something that way. (It’s already happened, after all. Remember the 2000 Ravens?) Damn it, it’s one thing for other cities to have a sports history like this if you live somewhere decent. Sports fans in Cleveland wake up and find themselves … in Cleveland! It’s like a double insult! What the hell else do we have to do, people? WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO YOU, GOD?

12:10 AM: Josh Beckett wins the series MVP. Yeah, maybe the bionic man contributed to your performance.

12:15 AM: It’s over. This is the end … my only friend, the end. Good night and good luck, Colorado Rockies.

12:36 AM: More reaction from the Cleveland sports blogs here, here, here, and HERE. And as one commenter said: 116 days until spring training. Time to drink …

Saturday October 20, 2007

If we’re going to be giving up grand slams to J.D. Drew, for God’s sake, I’m going to need some whiskey. Can’t we win something, just once? Why does God hate us?

Well hey, that’s something. Martinez going deep … we ought to be able talk some people off their ledges. For the moment, anyway. We’ll see by midnight Sunday.

UPDATE (9:45 pm): More whiskey … someone is going to have to talk Cleveland off its collective metaphorical ledge if they actually blow this whole damn series.

UPDATE (9:55 pm): Kill me. Kill me now.

UPDATE (11:35 pm): Well it’s over. 12-2.

UPDATE (much later): “Fans fight creeping doom as Game 7 looms.” But really, isn’t that what Cleveland typically faces on a daily basis? Anyway … Yay! Go … Tribe!

UPDATE (the next morning): And I wake up to see this report that Paul Byrd doped up with HGH before 2005 … when it was still legal in baseball. Okay, why don’t you just start slicing the wrists of Indians fans personally?

Realistically, does anyone think it’s a coincidence that this story just happens to appear right before Game Seven of the ALCS — in which he is likely to pitch? But no, I’m sure the media is COMPLETELY neutral at all times.

And if Byrd was doping up, then everyone in baseball had to be … he’s an eminently great guy and an ESPN interview from earlier this week paints him as a modest man of faith. *sigh* Let’s just get it over with tonight.

And as we get it over with, I’ll be hosting the first ever live-blog experience in my four-year career of writing jibberish online. Experience the agony in real time!

Thursday October 18, 2007

It’s Game Five of the ALCS tonight, with the Indians attempting to clinch a trip to the World Series. Of course, that will be difficult to do with Boston throwing maybe the best pitcher on the face of the earth, Josh Beckett. So guess who is singing the national anthem before the game tonight? His ex-girlfriend. But it’s TOTALLY a coincidence, people. I don’t know what you’re implying.

The Indians claim they had no idea of the love connection when they announced Tuesday that [Danielle] Peck would replace Taylor Swift as tonight’s vocalist. “It’s an incredible coincidence. Honestly,” said Indians spokesman Bob DiBiasio. …

DiBiasio said when Swift couldn’t do the game, a country music booker recommended Peck, a rising star in the industry. She’s from Coshocton [in east-central Ohio] and has a hit single, “I Don’t.”

“She’s from Ohio. Her entire family are Indians fans. We did not know anything about her connections to Beckett. The next day, we find out the rest of the story,” said DiBiasio. “How are we supposed to know who Josh Beckett dates?”

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into yours, right Josh?

Hell of a fluke if it actually is one. Otherwise … well, I guess the front office really does understand how long Cleveland has gone without a title. Let’s win a pennant!

UPDATE (4:30 PM): Sure, the Yankees just happened to make the decision on their manager’s position today so we all have to suffer through a broadcast of tonight’s game dominated by a team that’s not actually playing. Bastards. But props to Joe Torre for having the pride and dignity to walk away after being offered a one-year contract with a huge pay cut. The Yankees have “stumbled” (i.e. not won the pennant) the last four years not because of him, but because of a poorly built roster. You don’t win World Series titles through paying absurd sums of money to over-the-hill veterans — you do it by building a team from the ground up and maximizing your bang for the buck.

UPDATE (the morning after): Yeah, I should have gone to the Rutgers game instead of this. We can start casting Josh Beckett’s plaque in Cooperstown now.

I’m still liking the Indians’ odds though. And really, it was ludicrous to expect Sabathia could beat Beckett in this postseason (and that it would be this easy to get through the Red Sox). I was screaming at the TV since the fifth inning to pull him because he didn’t have it — as usual in the playoffs — and was incredibly lucky to get through the game to that point giving up only two runs. I don’t want to see him pitch again this year. That’s right … Bench the potential Cy Young Award winner. If they make the World Series, use a rotation of Carmona, Byrd, Westbrook, and Laffey. At the very least, have Sabathia start Game Four so he can only fuck things up once in a seven-game series.

So here we go … Game Six is tomorrow night at Fenway. And you better get the job done then, Cleveland, because you don’t want to have a winner-take-all game with this Red Sox squad, its four-man Murderer’s Row … and Beckett ready to come in from the bullpen on two nights’ rest to slam the door like Pedro did in 1999.

Thursday October 18, 2007

Bush says that if we don’t stop Iran we’ll have (or start?) World War III … and Turkey has approved plans to invade Iraq to attack Kurdish rebels in the nation’s north.

In the waning days of this administration, the shit is hitting the fan in ever-larger quantities. The Middle East is gonna get a LOT worse before it ever gets better.

Wednesday October 17, 2007

New Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Incidentally, how ’bout them Indians? I’m deliberately trying to radically dial back my expectations to avoid putting a jinx on the whole damn thing but …

WE’RE ONE AWAY WIN FROM THE #@$%ING WORLD SERIES!

And just like a decade ago, we’d face a ’93 expansion team.

Of course, all Cleveland knows how well that went last time.