Saturday February 2, 2008

That’s right, America. For the fourth straight year, I’m going to tell you exactly how the Super Bowl is going to happen. Two of my three predictions have been pretty much on the nose, with only the loathsome Steelers destroying my track record:

2005 – Prediction: NE 20, PHL 18 … Actual: NE 24, PHL 21
2006 – Prediction: SEA 26, PIT 20 … Actual: PIT 21, SEA 10
2007 – Prediction: IND 27, CHI 16 … Actual: IND 29, CHI 17

Let’s skip the long, rambling introduction that I’ve written in past years and sum it up thusly: Fuck the Patriots. Fucking 18-0. Fuck them.

First Quarter: New York takes the opening kickoff and strings together a shockingly effective drive, capping it with a touchdown pass to Madison Hedgecock, as Eli looks like his older brother in managing the Giants’ offense. New York’s defensive line throws all kinds of stunts and blitzes at the Patriots, terrorizing Mr. Gisele in a way he has rarely seen. Tynes’ late field goal makes it New York 10, New England 0. America puts its bag of chips aside and starts paying attention.

Second Quarter: Brady engineers a long, time-consuming drive, but a controversial offensive pass interference call invalidates a Randy Moss touchdown catch, so the Patriots settle for a field goal. Both teams trade punts until the final minute of the half, when R.W. McQuarters finds a seam in the punt coverage and gets New York within striking distance, but to no avail. Another Tynes kick makes the score New York 13, New England 3.

Halftime: Fox broadcasters and analysts attempt to explain what happened to a confused nation. Tom Petty sings bland, inoffensive “music.” Bill Belichick sacrifices a live goat in the locker room to appease Satan, a known associate of his for the past seven years.

Third Quarter: It works. New England abandons any pretense of running the football and starts lining up five-wide every play, bombing it all over the field. Brady throws for 200+ yards and three touchdowns (one each to Welker, Watson, and Faulk) … in the quarter. An interception from Eli merely speeds up the process, though he regains composure and leads a touchdown drive coming back the other way, punctuated by an deep post pass to Steve Smith and some hard-nosed trench running by Brendan Jacobs, including a one-yard plunge for the touchdown. After three, it’s New England 24, New York 20.

Fourth Quarter: Early on, the Giants rip a ball loose and Michael Strahan picks it up, running it all the way back for a touchdown, punctuating yet another swing in momentum. But the Patriots are simply too much for the Giants as, just like in their previous matchup, a late lead evaporates into thin air. Brady’s aerial assault scores two more touchdowns, the first a corner fade to Moss and the last, for old time’s sake, to linebacker Mike Vrabel. Forced desperation throws by Manning yield only two more picks. Your final score is New England 38, New York 27 as the Patriots finish off the perfect season, to the revulsion of most. Tom Brady is named MVP because the media agrees that he’s “dreamy.” And I hit the Jameson hard.

There is a God. That is all.