For just $40 per year, Christians can have documents automatically delivered to heathen friends and family after the Rapture. Details here.
Also, ESPN remembers the 34th anniversary of, aside from the river catching on fire, the low point of Cleveland history: Ten Cent Beer Night.
That’s right, my readers: now that we have reached the general election phase of this campaign, it’s time to start delivering some hard-hitting journalism that isn’t shamelessly copied from other sources. Indeed, to get things started, I’ve got a startling report that might well sink the candidacy of John McCain. Here goes …
GOP NOMINEE DECEIVES AMERICA: Does anyone really know the senior Senator from Arizona?
As anyone that has followed this campaign can tell you, Sen. John McCain frequently refers to “my friends” in almost every single public appearance he has made. In part due to this rhetorical device, he has become the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. But this reporter asks: Who are these “friends,” really?
Indeed, the fact of the matter is that the people he speaks to aren’t really his friends at all.
An exhaustive study of the crowds that he has spoken to throughout his campaign — from town hall meetings to party fundraisers — reveal that, out of 100 average event attendees, only 1.3 of them are actually friends of the senator. Further, about 2.7 are acquaintances, of which two-thirds are merely passing acquaintances. This means that 96 out of every 100 listeners do not even personally know John McCain.
This blockbuster has shattered the American political landscape. As of yet, the McCain campaign has refused any comment on this report. Pundits and bloggers have already passed judgment, however.
“Let’s face facts: This is devastating,” said Chuck Todd, MSNBC political analyst. “McCain’s poll numbers have plummeted 15 to 20 points in every single swing state. Where he looked like he was on course for a sure victory in Florida yesterday, he is now trailing Sen. Obama badly. People really believed in John McCain. If politicians are going to start lying to us, who can we really trust?”
The newly-crowned Democratic nominee was quick to pounce on the story, speaking from a crowded Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland.
“John McCain will bring America more of the same, a third Bush term, another four years of deception. When I call someone my friend, I truly mean it,” he said to raucous cheers. “I will not call anyone my friend until I am able to talk with someone for several hours, know the names of their relatives and the contours of their life story, and borrow some household item from them. That is the America I know: One where hard- working people choose their friends carefully and do not make promises they cannot keep!”
The Obama campaign is set to run advertisements targeting college-age voters that question John McCain’s reckless “friending,” analogizing his demeanor to that annoying guy on a social networking website that tries to connect with you after merely being in a single class with him. As a result, each and every 18-year old in America has sent voter registration forms to their local board of elections, all identifying themselves as Democrats.
For his part, Sen. McCain is continuing his campaign, though it seems to be largely in vain. His speech in Milwaukee was sparsely attended, with only a Republican state senator and three elderly VFW members — who could not identify the man at the podium — sitting among the hundreds of seats that had been set up. He did, however, talk at length with each of them before making his speech.
This ensured that uttering “my friends” would, at least once, not be another lie.
